For Colored Girls

(Not my post/writing but I wholly share in her sentiment and agreement 1000%. I had to put it on the blog because it needs to be visible. We have to do better in how we relate to each other. We have to give a high leap about each other.)

When I first heard of the movie "For Colored Girls" I got so excited.  I had the idea of getting as many women together that I could think of to go see this movie.  I had visions of group discussions and moments shared with one another that would lead to healing and growth, I guess I kind of imagined a Women's Empowerment Conference type of setting.

Well after I shared my  idea with a few women, reality set in and I  realized that so many of us  wouldn't be willing to participate for various reasons: You don't like me, you  don't care for somebody I might invite, you only hang out with certain people, you don't  understand the big deal about Tyler Perry making yet another movie about black  people and our issues for all the world to see, you don't like crowds, so n so  is too ghetto, such and such is too uppity  etc... It has ALWAYS amazed me that we as black women are each others biggest critics.  We are the quickest to bring each other down, find each others faults and nit pick at a sister until she has nothing left, nothing left to give and then we step over her and call her worthless.  We take the prettiest women and tear them down  for thinking "they are cute" but turn around and dog the average sista because  "she know she should take better care of herself than that - can't believe she  got a man!" We call strong women female dogs and accuse weaker women of riding somebody else's coat tails. We tell a big sista to put down her burger and turn around and criticize a skinny woman for not picking one up. We ride the loud  mouth woman for "talking to darn much" and likewise torment the quiet woman for  "Being too quiet and needing to take up for herself"  Sad part is we don't  discriminate, we talk about everybody!!!

I've watched women dog out everybody from Oprah for catering to white people and Halle Berry for not being able to keep a man to young Willow Smith for acting to darn grown in her recent video. All of these females are successful and there is something about each one of them to be proud of but a lot of us can't seem to see that.  I have to wonder since we all share a common thread (whether we want to admit it or not) is there something about ourselves that we don't like, what has happened to us that we cannot seem to get along. Why is that we fight amongst ourselves, backstab & steal each others men (only to find out we should have left him where we found him). We cannot seem to be unified to support and stick up for one another. Everybody seems to be out for themselves while other groups unite against us but nobody else has to bring us down because we trample on the spirits of each other daily.

Even if you live in a mini mansion,  drive a luxury car, have good credit, rich handsome husband etc, this does not  mean that should look down your nose at the woman with 4 kids, no husband,  living in income based housing struggling to keep her lights on. We ALWAYS think the grass is greener on the other side, I had a woman who's child father is MIA tell me that I should never complain because I receive a decent amount of child support and I laughed and let her know that I would gladly give every dime back if he would come relieve some of this overwhelming pressure of feeling inadequate as a parent.   If I could get just one full night of sleep or not always be on the verge of losing my job because I’m the one that has to call off or leave work for one reason or another to accommodate my child - yeah he could DEFINITELY have his money if I could have some peace!  Money alone doesn't make you happy (not  true happiness), good credit doesn't keep you satisfied, beauty doesn't make you  any less insecure, fame doesn't make you less vulnerable or cause you to be a  good judge of character and being stuck up and mean doesn't keep you warm at  night or prevent you from being lonely.

You don't know how the sista sitting right next to could have carefully put on her make up this morning to hide the beating from last night. The teacher you handed your child over to this morning could have sent her children off to school from a dark house with empty bellies.  The teller you just got rude with at the bank could know that today is her last day on her job and have no idea how she is going to survive past next weekend.  The sista at the office that appears so busy could be typing her goodbyes to all the people that she loves because she plans to blow her brains out tonight after she tucks her babies into bed. The woman you  pass in the hallway could be on her way to have an abortion because she fears  what others might think or how the woman that sent you this e-mail may drink an  over abundance of alcohol every night to mask the nightmares of an abusive  childhood.

Ladies we HAVE TO DO BETTER!!! I'm not suggesting that we all like each other and be phony, But I am asking that we all try to respect each other.  You HAVE NO IDEA what the next woman is going through, you don’t know what past or current hurt and pains have shaped her into who she is today.  We spend so much time trying to be as strong and hard as we are expected to be that we end up cracking from the inside out piece by piece. If we  would spend 1/3 of the time we spend tearing each other down to build someone  up, encourage someone, show someone some love, we could truly make a difference  and save someone's life.  PLEASE don't be the straw that breaks another woman’s back. Believe me when I tell you that there is a woman out there that needs your smile, your hug, your support, your prayer.

I hope that you read this and get something out of it other than a laugh and that you pass this on to  as many women as you can to let someone know that you believe they are somebody  special and that if need be you are available to listen. Nothing bad is going to happen if you don't forward this e-mail but I'd like to think that something positive will happen if you choose to pass it along.  May favor be extended to each and everyone of your lives, keep your head up and know that someone somewhere cares!!!

Where did it go?

It's been a long while since I've posted anything on my mind. I realized that this year is coming to an end. It is crazy how fast this year went... Where did it go? I don't know what takeaways I have for this year because it all what so fast. I don't want to make any "resolutions" for next year. How often are they fulfilled. I want to see next year and be closer to Jesus than I am now. I want to be less selfish. I want to be more caring and gentle to the people around me, even if they aren't caring and gentle towards me. I want to more like Christ and less than this "good person" I think I am. I want to consume less and give more. I want to love richly and laugh purely. I want to live this life without regret and without apologies. Life is indeed short and regret and apologies cost too much.

End of Summer

It's hard to believe summer is on its last legs. It went by so quickly, I didn’t do half of the stuff I had lined up. I wanted to read Charlotte Brontë this summer. Yeah, I know…exciting. I never read any of her work so I figured I delve into with the start of the warm weather. I can’t say I actually did anything of great importance that stopped me from reading. I truly don’t know what I did this summer besides work and sleep with a splash of paying bills.

What a life! Work. Sleep. Bills. There has to be more to life. I’m searching and searching for my place in this world, in my community. Sometimes I have this feeling of self-absorption. Constantly feeling and thinking about my life, my needs, my desires. It makes me want to scream. I want my life to be more, mean more. Now I’m not about to hop a plane to Latin American or Mongolia or some other far off country to build wells and buildings. In true honesty, I always had issues with people who do that and their home is in shambles. There are areas here locally and nationally in need. Yet, where does one begin? I know I need to do something with my life. I feel the need in my bones, daily. I know there is more to me than work, sleep, and paying bills. I want more...

S for Struggle

It has been difficult to blog since my first entry. I didn’t know what I wanted to say. I still don’t. I have been struggling with something deeply personal for the past days, weeks, months…, which have, added up to years, maybe two years. In the last few months, I have seen myself coming to my breaking point. I’ve been withdrawn into this dark place. This past weekend I didn’t do anything. I lied on the sofa. I couldn’t move. I didn’t have a desire to move. I don’t know if it is depression I feel but I do know I feel this unbearable disconnect. This disconnect to my beliefs, my faith.

It is hard to voice my feelings clearly because they are cloudy still to me. Who am I? What do I believe? What I believe, is it true? Is there redemption for this wretchedness? Am I loved? What is the purpose of my life? I look over the things I have done in this life and it feels heavy on my heart, soul, and mind. In my humanness, it is not easy to see beyond my flaws. Blatantly they lay before me telling of the wrong steps I’ve made.

I haven’t read my Bible is all this time. People say God doesn’t turn from you. You turn from God. I can only speak about me. I have turned from God. I struggle to understand why I did in the first place. If I think about it truly, I was angry. I was frustrated because I didn’t see where His promises were coming true for me. In my timeframe, His promises according to my ideas of His promises still haven’t manifested in my life.

I’ve never been in love. Honest, goodness, amazing love… I have had counterfeits of love. They never reached down to my soul. At best, they were one-sided. I imagine it is an amazing feeling, to be in love. In life, you grow up to fulfill this illusion of the American dream, married, house with picket fence, 2.5 children. It is an illusion because American isn’t, better yet, wasn’t ever that cookie-cutter. There were families with those elements but I wonder if there was happiest amongst the achievement. It is an illusion because it gives false hope of arrival to a place of peace, accomplishment…love. As if our lives will be complete once we achieve these things, we try to get them at whatever cost.

I haven’t achieved this as of yet. I don’t know if I ever will. I know I had my life planned out completely by age 16. I was successful, happily married, with children. Needless to say, I don’t have that right now. Not married. No children. According to family and friends, I have success. However, this success, although grateful for it, is not quite measuring up to what I expected. I still want the American dream. At least I think I still want it. Turning another year older, I have come to a place where I have said screw it. It wasn’t come yet so I’m moving on with my life and not dwelling on those pieces I don’t have. The problem there…the desire hasn’t died.

I have anger because the desire is still there. I struggled with seeing my family and friends blessed with the desires of my heart. How do I cope with the disappointment? So instead, I have moved away from my belief, my faith, my Jesus. Wow… That is not easy to admit. Just thinking it hurts. The loneliness I feel is echoing loudly in my chest when I thought those words. This dissatisfaction in my life has become this crazy, self-destructive, obstacle for me to remain faithful and true to Jesus. I’m so far away from His word I don’t know how to get back to Him.

I for Invincibility

It’s difficult to determine what to write about as the first entry to this blog. The purpose of this blog is the take the journey to self, to explore all of me from A through Z. It promises to be a intense, embarrassing, revealing trek. I’m sure of that. I want to explore who I am as person through words and punctuation. I never had a journal or diary growing up. I couldn’t consistently write into it to take off the ground. It wasn’t that I didn’t have thoughts worth cataloguing. I didn’t have the fortitude to make it happen. In a way, I wish I did. Maybe now I could look back and see the image of the young girl I know buried within me. I wonder what my views of the world were then. I suppose like any other child at 8, 11, or 13. Invincibility…

I lost a little piece of innocence when I stop thinking I was invincible. Not the crazy kind where I can’t die or think nothing can happen to me. No that level of invincibility was the teenage years and I don’t wish that back. Made silly choices and decisions during that period… I’m talking about the kind that makes you think you can do everything if I truly wanted it. I notice as I get older that feeling lessens. Doubt is now the weight on my shoulder questioning if I can really do what I set myself to do. Doubt, such an ugly thing.

My BFF says, “The cemetery is full of people with shouldas, couldas, and wouldas.” I mentally roll my eyes but her resounding words are in my head. There are tons of things I let doubt stop me from pursuing. I don’t want to die with regret. Although, I don’t think it is possible to leave this life without some regret. I just don’t want it to be something as attainable as going to the Grand Canyon or telling a hottie what I think of them. I want the feeling of invincibility again. I want to be able to look life directly in the eyes and leap.