S for Struggle

It has been difficult to blog since my first entry. I didn’t know what I wanted to say. I still don’t. I have been struggling with something deeply personal for the past days, weeks, months…, which have, added up to years, maybe two years. In the last few months, I have seen myself coming to my breaking point. I’ve been withdrawn into this dark place. This past weekend I didn’t do anything. I lied on the sofa. I couldn’t move. I didn’t have a desire to move. I don’t know if it is depression I feel but I do know I feel this unbearable disconnect. This disconnect to my beliefs, my faith.

It is hard to voice my feelings clearly because they are cloudy still to me. Who am I? What do I believe? What I believe, is it true? Is there redemption for this wretchedness? Am I loved? What is the purpose of my life? I look over the things I have done in this life and it feels heavy on my heart, soul, and mind. In my humanness, it is not easy to see beyond my flaws. Blatantly they lay before me telling of the wrong steps I’ve made.

I haven’t read my Bible is all this time. People say God doesn’t turn from you. You turn from God. I can only speak about me. I have turned from God. I struggle to understand why I did in the first place. If I think about it truly, I was angry. I was frustrated because I didn’t see where His promises were coming true for me. In my timeframe, His promises according to my ideas of His promises still haven’t manifested in my life.

I’ve never been in love. Honest, goodness, amazing love… I have had counterfeits of love. They never reached down to my soul. At best, they were one-sided. I imagine it is an amazing feeling, to be in love. In life, you grow up to fulfill this illusion of the American dream, married, house with picket fence, 2.5 children. It is an illusion because American isn’t, better yet, wasn’t ever that cookie-cutter. There were families with those elements but I wonder if there was happiest amongst the achievement. It is an illusion because it gives false hope of arrival to a place of peace, accomplishment…love. As if our lives will be complete once we achieve these things, we try to get them at whatever cost.

I haven’t achieved this as of yet. I don’t know if I ever will. I know I had my life planned out completely by age 16. I was successful, happily married, with children. Needless to say, I don’t have that right now. Not married. No children. According to family and friends, I have success. However, this success, although grateful for it, is not quite measuring up to what I expected. I still want the American dream. At least I think I still want it. Turning another year older, I have come to a place where I have said screw it. It wasn’t come yet so I’m moving on with my life and not dwelling on those pieces I don’t have. The problem there…the desire hasn’t died.

I have anger because the desire is still there. I struggled with seeing my family and friends blessed with the desires of my heart. How do I cope with the disappointment? So instead, I have moved away from my belief, my faith, my Jesus. Wow… That is not easy to admit. Just thinking it hurts. The loneliness I feel is echoing loudly in my chest when I thought those words. This dissatisfaction in my life has become this crazy, self-destructive, obstacle for me to remain faithful and true to Jesus. I’m so far away from His word I don’t know how to get back to Him.

I for Invincibility

It’s difficult to determine what to write about as the first entry to this blog. The purpose of this blog is the take the journey to self, to explore all of me from A through Z. It promises to be a intense, embarrassing, revealing trek. I’m sure of that. I want to explore who I am as person through words and punctuation. I never had a journal or diary growing up. I couldn’t consistently write into it to take off the ground. It wasn’t that I didn’t have thoughts worth cataloguing. I didn’t have the fortitude to make it happen. In a way, I wish I did. Maybe now I could look back and see the image of the young girl I know buried within me. I wonder what my views of the world were then. I suppose like any other child at 8, 11, or 13. Invincibility…

I lost a little piece of innocence when I stop thinking I was invincible. Not the crazy kind where I can’t die or think nothing can happen to me. No that level of invincibility was the teenage years and I don’t wish that back. Made silly choices and decisions during that period… I’m talking about the kind that makes you think you can do everything if I truly wanted it. I notice as I get older that feeling lessens. Doubt is now the weight on my shoulder questioning if I can really do what I set myself to do. Doubt, such an ugly thing.

My BFF says, “The cemetery is full of people with shouldas, couldas, and wouldas.” I mentally roll my eyes but her resounding words are in my head. There are tons of things I let doubt stop me from pursuing. I don’t want to die with regret. Although, I don’t think it is possible to leave this life without some regret. I just don’t want it to be something as attainable as going to the Grand Canyon or telling a hottie what I think of them. I want the feeling of invincibility again. I want to be able to look life directly in the eyes and leap.